Fifty Shades of Pink - REAL VERSION

[carelax]

i've fired my ghost writer. Here is the unabridged, unedited, incredibly sexy saga of 50 shades of pink: 

 

Sanc stood in front of a highly polished shield he was using as a mirror, in front of the Shrine of Seven Stars. He was grooming his facial hair and giving himself an energetic pep talk. Sanc wanted to look his best as the leader of a 14/14h guild. He felt excited, and optimistic about tonight's raid. He was eager to put in 90 more attempts on heroic Garrosh and get a re-kill. Sanc pulled out his phone and took a few shirtless selfies to post on PallyPartners.com, where he was trying to recruit a hunter to join his raid, to kite the Iron Star, and if he dared admit it to himself, to open him up to new heights of erotic adventure....

[carelax]

Sanc finished preening in the mirror and headed out to Timeless Isle to defend the Alliance from the scum traitors who dared take up arms against their own kind. When he finished popping his ret pally cooldowns all over everyone in sight, he sheathed his hammer and gave a sigh as he headed to the mailbox on the way to the raid. Sanc was finding it hard to be a raid leader without someone by his side to support him and cherish him. When he checked his mail he was pleasantly surprised to find mail from a hunter interested in joining his guild. "Emoinside, huh?" Sanc mused to himself. Sanc wondered if this hunter would have the mechanics, DPS, and stick-to-it-iveness that he required from a core raider. Sanc allowed himself a moment to consider if this hunter would even be able to own and dominate him like he needed in the kind of partner he could never find on PallyPartners.com. He dismissed this thought immediately. A hunter could never defeat a ret pally.

[Cheattz]

wow this is amzain i am goin to read this to my grandma plz add m0ar chapters 

[carelax]

Sanc couldn't wait to invite Emoinside to AA's well-worn casting couch to interview him for the coveted raid spot. He asked one of his most trusted officers, Cheatz, to accompany him to the interview. Instantly, as Emoinside took a seat on the less stained cushion of the couch, Sanc couldn't take his eyes off the hunter's quiver, full of shaft. He felt his temples prick with sweat and could only imagine what the arrow tips felt like on his anticipating tongue, and shaven thighs. His entire body felt strung as tightly as the bowstring of Emoinside's bow as the hunter demonstrated his DPS on some target dummies. Sanc was struck dumb by his infatuation, and even discreetly popping Devotion Aura did nothing to help him speak.  Cheatz took the lead in interviewing the applicant, giving Sanc a weird look, as he was not used to his guild master keeping quiet during a chance to talk about himself, his guild, or theorycraft. Sanc soon noticed his mouth had been open the entire time. When it was time for the interview to conclude, Sanc couldn't help himself. He gave Emoinside a big hug, trusting his plate to keep his pally boner hidden from him. He shivered as he felt the hunter's quiver rub against him and felt himself filled with holy power. 

 

"Sanc? Are you alright?" Cheatz inquired.

 

"Did you think he was really cute?" Sanc asked Cheatz.

"Well I think his DPS was good... Cute?" Cheatz queried.

"I thought his gear was really nice..." Sanc felt himself dazed and wondered if there was a feral druid pouncing on him. 

"I mean aside from that belt yeah... Do we really need a hunter? I have some shaman applicants," Cheatz tantalized Sanc with the prospect of more shamans.

"I want him in our raid. Extend him an invitation immediately," Sanc commanded. 

"You're not my dad," Cheatz responded, leaving Sanc to do the deed himself.

[carelax]

chapter 4:

 

Sanc was itching to raid. Or maybe Schwindowz' ghost wolf form had fleas again. He couldn't be sure, but he felt the holy energy running through his body, setting his nerves on fire, empowering his eternal flames. He wanted to see the hunter in action so badly. He strongarmed his officers into bringing the hunter that night, promising that Emoinside was a recruit like none they'd ever seen: huge heroic weapon, massive DPS,  impeccable raid awareness, and a really cute night elf tush. 

 

The raid put in several attempts on Heroic Garrosh. The attempts were only marred by acts of lag, failure to interrupt, and a few unfortunate incidents where Emoinside's pet biggayngr refused to attack. "Maybe you should treat your pet with more love and respect, and not call it biggayngr," suggested Cheatz. "You're not my fuckin dad," Emoinside replied insolently. Cheatz was clearly put off by his blatant disregard for his esteemed position as an officer. Sanc just thanked the interruption for hiding the sound of his light's hammer chafing uncomfortably inside his plate armour. He tried to soothe the raid's frazzled nerves with an inspirational speech. Sanc took Emoinside aside to talk to him about his attitude, but the harsh words died on his lips as he gazed into the hunter's eyes. "You're doing a great job. Really solid," he said instead of the lecture he meant to deliver. 

 

The hunter's presence flustered Sanc. He was unable to think, much less lead the raid. His eyes kept wandering toward the hunter's meaty health bar instead of the tanks', and they would fall over while Sanc was considering how blessed they were to have Emoinside join the raid. He kept missing his cooldowns as his light's hammer strained against his pants and distracted him. Sanc wished he didn't have to keep popping his blue potion as the effects on his libido were out of control. He couldn't stop thinking about how badly he wanted Emoinside to feel the warmth, holiness, and sticky afterglow of his Light's Hammer. Sanc squirmed uncomfortably, trying to keep the arcing light in his pants. 

 

Finally, Sanc could take it no longer. It was only Tuesday, and they had all week to clear the raid. Sanc took deep breaths, trying to calm himself before he made the hardest decision a raid leader could make. "Guys, we're gonna call it for the night. I need to go take some potions of focus and clear my head. Be back here on Thursday." Sanc pulled his officers aside and talked about how well Emoinside had done. Three of the four officers (for his 10man guild) made non-commital answers.  Cheatz said, "whatever faggot."

[Cheattz]

That Cheatz guy sounds like a badass.

 

Keep em coming.

[Sanctustego]

My side hurts!I want more!

[carelax]

Sanctustego wrote:

My side hurts!I want more!

CHAPTER 5:

Sanc couldn't sleep that night. He writhed on his pink satin sheets, sweat glistening on his hammer. He couldn't stop thinking about the raid that night, and his new recruit. Sanc deliberated, but he knew the final verdict: he was in lust, if not in love. This gave Sanc some pause. Pallies were supposed to be chaste and pure, devoted to the light and nothing else. By the time he saw the light of dawn break through his window, Sanc knew that those vows meant nothing compared to the burning light of his love. 

He arrived at the raid that night with a fresh spring in his step, even with the heavy tread of his highly polished plate boots. He looked around the raid as they milled around the room, dilly-dallying before pulling the trash to Garrosh. He hoped to catch the eye of his beloved and get a few minutes with him before the third ready check. "Where's Emoinside?" he inquired, not seeing the physically fit hunter. The officers all looked away uncomfortably. "We're actually recruiting hunters now," Cheatz informed him. "Why? What's wrong? Where's Emoinside?" Sanc asked, rebuking himself for coming on too strong. 

"Sanc... It's just not going to work out with him," Schwindowz said. "Is it his mechanics? Because we'll work on that!" Sanc pleaded.

"We didn't want to tell you.. But.. it turns out Emoinside owes a lot of money from GCG. He was killed earlier today in a drive-by from the air. We suspect druids..." Eliune informed him. "They dragged his body into the barrens and left it for the vultures."

Sanc was crushed. He had never felt anything so heart-wrenching in his whole life, even when they took away half of holy pallies' cooldowns.  "I need a minute," he gasped, turning away, wishing that he could bubble this pain away. Yet, he couldn't even hearth away from these terrible emotions. "I never got to buff him," he gasped out.

Sanc howled in agony, and swore avenging wrath on those responsible for this tragedy, a young life cut short because he would not pay his debts. In that moment, he swore to never love again, and fully dedicate himself to the light. His dedication to the Light helped AA to defeat Garrosh Hellscream after only 179 attempts, and the light of Sanc's crusade shone on, helping to carry the guild into a new frontier across the dark portal to Draenor.... At which point, they began recruiting druids. But that's for another chapter.

[carelax]

 

CHAPTER SIX

As time wore on, Sanc's wounded heart began to heal. Staying busy by adopting abandoned hunter cats, and donating his leadership skills to LFR raids in need of  guidance, he found that giving back to the community helped him heal. Sanc led ALTernate Arrangements to a successful campaign in Draenor with only four mutinies. along the way. Sanc even whistled a hymn to himself as he tacked up a poster outside the garrison, near the entrance where Eliune always hung out looking for eligible alter men.  

"RAIDERS WANTED," the sign read.   Sanc smirked as he stepped back to admire his glorious words.

"Say no more," a voice purred from behind him. Sanc turned around to see a night elf druid. For a moment, he felt like he'd been hit with his own hammer of justice. The druid looked and sounded exactly like Emoinside and out. Sanc felt a part of him that had been dormant spring back into life at the speed of light. He discreetly adjusted his shield to cover it., and cleared his throat.  "Oh.. Er... Are you looking for.. a raid team?" Sanc managed to squeak out. 

"Oh yes," said the druid.  

"What uh... what spec are you?" Sanc shifted his shield uncomfortably. The cold metal did nothing to quench the raging eternal flame that suddenly came over him.  It took all Sanc's holy power to keep his hammer from rising too noticeably. The druid drew closer, laying a soft purple hand on Sanc's arm. 

"I'm a resto druid, but I can be quite feral," she said, giving him a lasvicious wink. 

Sanc prayed to the Light in supplication to keep him pure. These last few months since Emoinside passed away he had been filled with so much divine purpose, finding a new meaning in life leading the raids of half-retarded and noob raiders in LFR. He didn't want that feeling to end, and he could already feel himself getting swept away.  He willed himself to turn the druid away right now.

"Well uhhh we uhhh... We have lots of healers right now," Sanc stammered out. 

"No we don't you liar," Eliune called him out immediately from his position on the corner. 

"I'll be there on Tuesday," winked the druid. 

"I uhhh... Didn't get your name?" Sanc asked weakly. 

"I'm Happyinside," smiled the druid and slunk off, melding into the shadows... with Sanc's heart.

[carelax]

(((Several years later)))

 

It didn't really work out with Happyinside. The druid had turned out to be incredibly flaky and would flit into Sanc's life on a whisper of silken wings, teasing him to no end, then disappear as soon as he had cum... 

 

Sanc spent the next expansion yearning for a love as pure and consuming as he had had with Emoinside. Many things changed for Sanc as the guild journeyed into the land dominated by the Legion. He decided to be as benevolent and pure as he possibly could be; He bestowed his faithful aura of mercy on everyone in the raid, and become more humble and kind. He also began to dabble in protecting others with his sword and shield. Most importantly, his weapon became much larger. What had merely been a nuisance before was now downright uncomfortable when his weapon chafed in his pants, as it did frequently whenever he saw a handsome druid or hunter. Sanc attempted to recruit only girls or ugly dudes for hunters and druids, hoping the temptation would quell his distraction during raids, but he was thwarted. When a competent raider appeared, even if he knew it would be bad for himself, he had to recruit them, even if the temptation was too powerful. The stress of trying to keep it all together was getting to Sanc. To be the best paladin, and guild leader he could be, Sanc realized that he needed to delegate some responsibility.  The burden was too much for one paladin alone. 

 To that end, he appointed a raid leader who could be all that he never could. A leader who could resist the temptations of his soft heart to go easy on recruits, to see the best in people. He promoted Trygg up through the ranks. It was a bittersweet struggle. Trygg had the hard, stone heart needed to be ruthless and incite the best DPS. But he was also.. a very sexy druid. The fact that Sanc never saw the guardian druid in caster form very often only made the sight of the druid's curvaceous body more tantalizing on those brief moments when the druid was buffing or rezzing. Trygg's resting bitchbear face made Sanc yearn for the moment a brief smile might land upon him, when they stayed up at all night talking raid strategy. 

 

Sanc found it incredibly erotic to no longer be in control of the guild's raids which he had once micromanged with a mighty fist. He reminded himself, that it took two fists now, just to control his own mighty weapon, and there was only so muich one paladin could do. He should be glad to relegate this task to someone so powerful, so brutal in their utter control of the ticking machine that was Alternate Arrangements. He just wished that Trygg didn't have to be so dominating.. and so sexy.

[carelax]

Sanc mulled over his current dilemma. Whenever he was getting too distracted during raids by all his weakauras and sexy raiders in past expansions, he would just make sure he was on the opposite side of the raid. While it had been hard to stay more than 40 yards from Emoinside (who needed lots of healing due to mechanics), it was now impossible to stay too far from Trygg since his heals required that he get close... Very close. 

"Would you get off my ass? You keep hitting me with that mace," Trygg griped, swiping at the boss while glaring at Sanc. Sanc shivered, the two were so close their hitboxes were touching.

"Sorry, sorry," Sanc shuffled to the side, grateful the druid hadn't noticed that it wasn't his mace after all. 

 

That night was particularly brutal, with the raid struggling versus Odyn. Trygg went berserk many times trying to keep the raid in order. While Sanc looked forward to going over the logs with Trygg at the end of the night, (secretly wanting to go over a different log of his), the two had a relatively good working relationship as officers of the guild. What Sanc really wanted was a relationship like Trygg had with the raiders of the guild, where he would berate and dominate him. 

At the end of the night, with nothing under Sanc's belt for his hard work but a throbbing weapons and blue orbs, he sighed and called an end to the raid. He sat down under the statue of Tirion Fordring in Dalaran and gazed up, wishing he could have guidance about the current dilemma (that he always found himself in).  Sanc tossed a coin into the fountain nearby, praying for some divine guidance.

 

"Hey Sanc, what's up?" Sanc did a double take as he looked at the mage who had just approached him. No fucking way was his divine guidance taking the form of Xooshi, a raider so legendarily ornery even Sanc wouldn't invite him to a raid.  

 

"Uhhh, hey Xooshi..." Sanc said cautiously. This was just a coincidence, right?

"You seem down buddy, what's up?" Of course Xooshi wasn't sent by the legendary paladin Tirion Fordring to give Sanc guidance. He just often hung out at the fountain looking for opportunities to troll the wishers, and this was the perfect time.

Despite himself Sanc found himself spilling his current troubles.

 

"I'll tell you what to do..." and Xooshi explained, and Sanc listened. 

[carelax]

Last time we heard from our legendary paladin, Sanc, who had received life changing advice in front of the statue of Tirion Fordrding, Xooshi's advice had been so simple, but so hard to do, that it had taken Sanc several more expansions of raiders bitching for him to change the guild name. Sanc finally, after the 800th time, got sick of people saying "Oh great, an alt guild!" when he mentioned his guild name. 

 

 

 

As Sanc waited outside Antorus for the new raid, he looked ruefully at the new guild name. <Sanctimonius>. At least his raiders would have something new to bitch about. In truth, the guild name had come about because he was on Grindr and the guild tab at the same time, and didn't notice which window he had put it into. He meant Sanctiminous to be a tag line on his Grindr profile (along with such other gems as "get real snug for my sexy heals", "i always use blessing of protection" and "four inches of righteous fury") It did seem a little narcissistic, but, then so was being a holy righteous crusader. Sanc grinned as he stroked his Silver Hand. Meggle, his right hand officer,  reminded him that he wasn't supposed to do that in public anymore after the Twitch incident. "I think it's alright, right?" Sanc asked Meg. "I just wanted to infuse a little bit of Sanc into the guild, just like how I left a little bit of myself on every potion in the guild bank."

 

 

"WHAT?" asked Meg, "You know I touch all of those all the time?!!" 

 

"Oh, I know," Sanc said. "I wish that Waanton would touch my potions.." Sanc idly fondled the potions of prolonged power he kept at his belt. The tiny blue potions kept Sanc going for a whole minute, two minutes if he timed it right, which effectively tripled his staying power. 

 

"Yeah, about that," Meg interjected. "I've heard some complaints from the melee that you might be healing a little too close. They don't think it's neccessary that you put your arms around them from behind and grind your crotch into their butts for you to do the most healing."

 

"Shut up Meg! What would you know? Girls can't heal, you don't know anything! I am the guild leader and a paladin of the 110th level, I will heal how I want! If they don't like it they can go join Currently Online!" 

 

"Wow," Blayne exclaimed as he appeared out of stealth. "It's hot when you are dominant Sanc.. I think this new guild name has been great for your confidence and sexiness." Blayne ran his hands over Sanc's chest and belt. Sanc blushed. 

 

"Thanks Blayne..." Blayne bounced through the portal with a wink and Sanc turned to Meg. "I think he's right! This is going to be the best end of expansion tier for us yet!" Sanc beamed. He patted at his belt. "Where did my potions go?"